There's a lot of things I can say about relationships as this tends to be my specialty in readings. Especially during this time of year. This has been a mild theme that isn't 100% current to what I'm seeing, but I do want to put this out there for those who may need to hear this. 

The way I define a fixer is this : Someone who seeks out someone with problems to help them in a relationship, usually anticipating that this help will bond the person to them. Not every problem is real or even a "problem" within a normal equal relationship.

When a person takes on the fixing role in relationships, they openly admit to shallow standards. Essentially, the person looks for someone that doesn't suit their ideals. Or worse, the fixer will seek a weaker willed individual that can be manipulated into an unrealistic expectation. This admits to NOT seeing a lover on an equal level. This is not the way of "actual" love. Love needs to give the space for an individual to be themselves- messy or not. Boundaries and respect are necessary for love to thrive long term. It's fine to help someone, but trying to shape an individual into a personal ideal does not give way to authentic love in a relationship. 

People leave when the ideal is met with a fixer, because the fixer did NOT want the person as they originally were. A fixer's intention was to change the individual. Wish granted. This is why fixers complain often of people leaving them, this is why. The intention was not "loving this person," the intention was to help and change. Usually when the ability to help is gone- through efforts or choice, the relationship has nowhere to grow.

People who decide to be "fixers" tend to be ignoring their own problems. The easiest way to avoid personal work is through having "projects" or being "too busy" to acknowledge yourself. This can sometimes come from the idea of the self being overwhelming, too much, or finding it difficult to feel worthy of betterment. The incorporation of self care and self love are keys to NOT be a fixer. Fixers focus on their partner's needs and ignore their own in the process. It becomes a painful cycle. Stop allowing needs to go unseen; be open and honest with your significant other. The worst case scenario is when a fixer hasn't looked at themselves critically enough to realize their own toxicity is horrifying and goes on for years unchecked.

Control and manipulative behavior are crucial to a fixer. The ideals of "I want my partner to be like this even if this is not their natural state."  Tend to be driving forces toward people being "fixers." An expectation of human behavior, looks, or personality that weren't originally there should be a red flag. While it's okay to state preferences toward certain qualities, bringing about a type of unnatural behavior or unhealthy obsession with an individual's ability to fit into a mold is NOT the way to keep a relationship. This is not love. This is fetishizing a fantasy. 

Fixers can sometimes go the route of "If you don't do XY and Z, I will leave you." These types of statements are not always wrong such as -Stop doing drugs or I will leave you from the strain- versus -I need you to weight 125lbs or less, or I'm going to leave you because you're hideous with extra weight- which are very different in nature. Some statements may also linger on "no one else will love you as you are." which is not true. Simply put, there is someone for everyone, and this type of behavior should signal an immediate exit. This is your sign, if you've been held hostage toward this type of ultimatum to get out of the relationship.

The role of a fixer is SELF SACRIFICIAL. The fixer needs to feel useful in a relationship. A fixer may hold onto abandonment issues and find little flaws to keep nagging upon to keep themselves in the attention of their lover. It is a painful role, especially when there's nothing left to fix. 

Remember, you are loveable. You are worthy of a love that suits your needs and standards. You are not too much. You don't need to change who you are to be loved. You deserve good love, a love that makes you feel like your partner is your friend not your enemy. You deserve to be desired and complimented in a loving relationship. Finding ways to love the self will help keep fixers away and also keep your own self from becoming a fixer. 

May you find love that highlights your happiness and helps you grow or learn through the rough times.

~Tarrien~